Saturday, September 4, 2010

Monogamy is Dead

Over the past couple of years, I have been increasingly pondering relationships from a realist point of view.   I am starting to come to the conclusion at this point in my life, that a traditional monogamist  relationship and/or marriage is just not realistic.  I do believe that there is a tiny percentage of couples that somehow find each other and fall in love so deeply, they truly never want to be with anyone else.  I also believe that is extremely rare.  This business about marrying one person and remaining exclusive for the rest of our lives is to me completely unrealistic for most people.  Look at the divorce rate in our country.  Something is not working.

The reason people get so bent out of shape over "cheating" is due to their own insecurity and ego.   In the end, your issues with cheating are really just your own issues you have with the way you feel about yourself.  Once you have been able to succeed over your issues with yourself, you begin to look at "cheating" - and relationships-a whole other way.

Men know that most (I'd say a good 85%) men want to cheat and will if given the right opportunity.  In addition, a large amount of women cheat too.  Women are still in denial about how many men cheat, in my opinion.  Now, there are always the exceptions.  However, from all the relationships that I have watched in my short life so far, they have almost all lead me to feel that the monogamist one on one, boyfriend-girlfriend, husband-wife interaction just DOES NOT WORK!!  If you think about it, almost anything has the power to break a relationship up.  If you find yourself in the situation where your relationship is being broken by cheating, chances are that it was an unstable  and vulnerable relationship to begin with.  This being said, with all the people who are cheating in this makes me consider a new type of relationship.

I was speaking with a very intelligent, prominent and respected woman in San Francisco about this a few months back.  Historically, everything this woman says is pretty much The Word, so the fact that even She agrees with me on this one truly reaffirms my opinion on this.  She was recalling her hayday back in the 70's, and comparing it to relationships now (and I'm paraphrasing here).  "Back then, everyone had sex with everyone!  Then all of a sudden it became about boyfriends, girlfriends, cheating...and I always thought it never made sense.  It wasn't like that back then.  Things have become much more monogomistic, I think a lot due to the introduction of STD's."   And we've still carried that with us, all the way up to 2010.

For me, relationship labels tend to be like that sober, negative buzzkill of a friend, putting a damper on things just when they're starting to become fun.  Once that label is slapped on there, out the door goes all the spontaneity, freshness and feelings of first love...and in with the reflex-like, robotic "I love yous", the ritual Saturday night routine, and last but not least...the urge to cheat and all the trauma that comes with that.

I am daring to envision a new, ideal relationship, where you find someone that you love and want to spend your life with, but never place "ownership" over that person.  This will never work unless both people are mutually all for it.  If one is hung up on wanting to be exclusive, obviously this will not work.  I guess I am also envisioning a revolution on our ideals and beliefs regarding relationships and how we automatically want to be "exclusive".  I am not even convinced that the desire to be exclusive is deeply ingrained in our evolutionary heritage, but a behavior that we have been trained to vehemently believe in by others and societal norms.

To me, the ideal relationship is mostly exclusive, with a touch of freedom.  Someone that you spend almost all of your time with -even in marriage as well.  I have basically accepted that almost all men cheat.  Once you have 100% accepted that fact, it becomes very freeing, and you then start to think about relationships differently.  It's no longer about "betrayal", but about "understanding".  Now, I will admit that men would most likely end up being the ones to put this understanding to use more, as I believe women are not as sexually driven as men.  However, it's important that it is a rule that applies for both parties.

I full-heartedly believe that relations with others (when safe) can even be healthy and therapeutic for couples and has the power to expand your horizons when in a relationship.  For example, has anyone ever cheated on their other, only to realize how strongly you feel about the person you just cheated on?  How all you want to do is run back to that other person you just "cheated on"?  I've never actually cheated on anyone before, but I have known multiple people who this has happened to, and have had similar experiences myself.

Straying with others definitely has the power to break things up as well, especially if one or both parties are kidding themselves and not actually ready to cope with it. In addition, I want to note that there must be a level of respect given to this type of arrangement I'm speaking of.  Every couple is different, and will adhere to different rules and boundaries they have created for their own situation.

I know that I sound very cynical about my viewpoint on relationships, but I'd like to think of it as just being more realistic.  And keep in mind that what I described above would have to come with certain levels of respect, also.  What I mean by that is...for example, I wouldn't want my guy to pick up a hooker in front of me, or at all for that matter.  It's a fine line.  And if I meet my true love one day, none of this will even matter.  It's the scarcity of finding true love that makes me think this way.  Keeping my hopes up, as should you.



  1. Hi! Great post, I love it! I'm in complete agreement with your statements regarding cheating, labels and the reality of being in relationships. My question is, how can we (as women) move past the jealousy that arises once we are in a relationship, if that is our choice to label it such?

    Keep up the great writing! And pls check out my blog as well

  2. Well, the idea would be to never get jealous in the first place in your "relationship".

    That is why I'm saying, relationships in their traditional form do not work, because someone always ends up getting jealous. I am saying, embrace the idea of your partner's freedom (to a certain extent). Stop thinking about it in terms of ownership, but instead with understanding. I tend to take a very realistic approach to this topic.