Saturday, September 1st 2012
*I didn't actually send this to her….but I sure wanted to!!! I work at a night club doing VIP bottle service*
To the girl who called me a cunt at work on Saturday night,
I wanted to reach out to you in regards to your (and now my) experience this past Saturday night with your VIP table, myself being your cocktail waitress. I'm aware that you had some words to share with my manager, and unfortunately the customer service experience you experienced with me was so bad that the most accurate verbiage to describe the way you felt about me was "cunt". I always strive to provide the best, most detail oriented and "above and beyond" service to every single one of my clients, so this concerns me greatly. I welcome any direct feedback you may have for me, in hopes that I can use this information to improve upon my customer service skills so that your next visit if you choose to come back meets your expectations. Ok, now that I got that out of the way I am going to break down what's really happening here.
We know this is not about the champagne that you didn't like, the sparkler that apparently brought too much attention or any other issue with the service. The service was amazing. The second I shook your hand and greeted you at your table, I could feel it. That oh-so-familiar vibe…I always can. You hated me already, and were genuinely pissed off that I was going to be your server all night long. After absorbing three separate verbal lashings from you that were just blatantly rude (including the one where you yelled at me for bringing a sparkler with your bottle of champagne which I KNOW you are fully aware is standard practice), I decided to stay the hell away from you and focus my attention/limit my interaction to the gentleman in your group who was also the cardholder. I knew that speaking to you or the other female in your group further would only add fuel to your self-made fire. It would have ended right there for me, but since you decided to trash talk me to my boss calling me a cunt, dissing my *perfect* customer service that I take very seriously and really brought the claws out - I have some words myself that I'd like to share. After all, you asked for it.
I would be really surprised if you assimilate the message in this letter I'm writing, because of two assumed roadblocks. Either:
1. You won't get it
2. Your pride and ego won't allow you to embrace or acknowledge the message
I'm almost positive that #1 is NOT applicable to you - I am confidant that you are an intelligent woman. I would be genuinely happy if you provide me with a response that's real, because I know that you know that this is 100% correct…but please do correct me if I'm wrong here. But we know I'm not. What was this *really* about? It's so transparent…sigh. You're hot. Very hot. You're in the top tier of girls/women in terms of looks, and you're accustomed to being the most beautiful woman in the room wherever you go. I can tell this based on the way you were dressed and your attitude/demeanor. However! If there happens to be another girl in the room who is at or above your level of hotness … this is a problem for you. And I can understand. However, we can choose whether or not we want to act on this and/or how we act on this. You chose to take the "provide problems/hatred for the other girl which will make me feel better" route. This may temporarily make you feel better…but treating the symptom instead of the cause is always a mistake in the long run. And it *will* hurt someday.
This exact subject is unfortunately extremely relevant to me and common in my life. This is one of the biggest challenges that I have been trying to cope with in my (daytime) career and everyday life. At this point, I just keep my head down, focus on my work and try to speak as little as possible if I'm in a place where I care whether or not the women will hate me…mainly at work. Because they are just LOOKING for a reason to hate you. Vigilantly. When theres no relationship or situation-specific reasons for two women that are strangers yet one still hates the other, it's because of one thing:
Women HATE other women for no reason other than jealousy.
They see a beautiful competitor, compare her to themselves, then feel insecure, and finally act on this by behaving maliciously, gossiping about her, singling her out, making fun of her….generally making her feel bad so they can feel good. Want the solution? STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO ME/ANY OTHER WOMAN. You are beautiful, probably smart plus all the other good things you have going for you, and comparing yourself to me or her is a toxic habit that will not enrich your life or your character in any way. As a matter of fact, it will very much do the opposite. I refuse to partake in this behavior because I've witnessed it done so often, I've felt the effects it has, it's caused me pain, sadness and frustration. I've lost a lot of opportunities because of this, and for a while it was really affecting my psyche and led to depression as well…but more than anything else: it's a total waste of time. And in regards to being the victim of this kind of behavior…I'm OVER it. I can't wait until I'm in a position where I don't have to depend on other women for anhthing, i.e - when I'm financially stable enough to be my own boss. I literally dream of that day all the time. And I'm going to be the nicest boss and provide strong leadership, promote having an open mind and encourage women empowering other women, not bringing them down to push themselves up.
I generally succeed in not allowing it to bother me any more…the only reason I'm writing this is because I wanted to get something about it down on paper to read one day, and to spread the word by putting it up on my blog. Sometimes, with certain women, it does not matter ONE BIT how I act, what I say, what I do…she will never like me no matter what. Ever. And if that woman happens to be your supervisor or the woman interviewing you at a new job…you're screwed. It really used to piss me off a lot, having to deal with other women's' bullshit insecurity and the fact that it holds me back sometimes. There's just no amount of ass kissing or trying to show that you're a genuinely nice person who just wants a chance to move forward in her career. It's one of the trade-offs of being beautiful. I hate saying that, too. It feels and sounds so vain and self absorbed, but it's 100% true and accurate. Taboo and true.
However, might I point out to you that I didn't ask to be beautiful. I've had *no* work done whatsoever (not that I'm against that by any means) it's how god created me. I really feel like the only surefire way to avoid all of this is by purposely making myself look as ugly as possible. And I've actually come close to doing it too, believe it or not! I'm not exaggerating - I have actually considered the benefits and drawbacks of doing this. No makeup, get fat, no waxing, plucking or any beauty/hygine steps. For two reasons I ultimately decided that I'm NEVER going that f*ing far.
#1 - I'm not going to have these looks forever. It's going to fade one day, so even if you don't like it I'm going to enjoy it - not flaunt it - while it lasts. Flaunting what you have and being appreciative/enjoying what you have are two different things. I think we've been taught by society that admitting and enjoying the fact that you may be a good looking person is not ok. It's taboo to talk about it. And I definitely don't, in an effort to minimize the problems it already brings me, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am appreciative and pleased with the looks I was given. You can enjoy and feel fortunate about your good looks without being vain and pompous, and while also being humble as well. It's all about having respect for and being aware of other people's feelings. Having empathy is one of the most valuable skills you can have, in my opinion. As long as you do not rely on your looks too much and also develop other skills and strengths, I think its healthy and perfectly OK to enjoy being good looking.
#2 - It's the goddamn principle of it. Why should I live my life around what other women want? Their jealousy and reasoning behind how they feel for how I look is coming from a purely selfish place anyways…it's all rooted to their ego. That's not a worthy reason for me to make myself look like a man.
So, when people try to tell me that this critical feedback and energy is coming from a "constructive criticism" viewpoint and that "I shouldn't place so much importance on looks anyways" - I tell those people to CAN IT. Have you ever considered that maybe its THEM who may be putting too much importance on looks? They're the ones who are focused on it...I'm just trying to survive here. So according to them, I'm somehow out of bounds for having feelings & an opinion about the way I'm being treated by many different women -mostly strangers- because of how THEY feel about MY looks? I'm not going to apologize for having a reaction to that. I'm only human. At this point, it's not looks I'm putting importance on, its how I'm being treated. And if someone that I don't or barely know is treating me like crap without any good reason at all, I'm forced to assume its because of the way I look. I ALWAYS make a concerted effort to: smile, make eye contact, have open body language, be friendly, etc….I don't dress like a whore…throw me a fricken bone here! I am also a shy person. This often gets construed as "bitchyness". I digress… Once again: they are constantly looking for *any* reason to dislike you. I know that last phrase hits home with you. So, why are you doing this? It's exactly how you were acting last night - if it wasn't the sparkler, it would have been something else. It's a virulent way to think.
I tell the advocates of women on women bashing: if they themselves were getting dirty looks all the time, being scowled at, singled out and generally "hated on", they'd eventually take issue with it as well. I also happen to be passionate about fashion. This is not popular with other women. Some things are worth it to me. I love dressing up and putting together amazing outfits, not just for me but for other girls as well! And if a woman asks me on the street where I purchased something, how I did my hair, eye makeup - whatever it is, I always tell her. I don't mind one bit if she goes out and buys the same handbag as me. I want to encourage more fashion (especially in fashion-deprived San Francisco) and also somehow provide a little bit of happiness to that woman's world. Why wouldn't anyone? These are the questions I ask myself that make me question humanity sometimes.
Any of this ringing true to you? Yea, I knew it. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Every attractive female does. But, there are many other ways to deal with this without bringing other girls down, and what you're doing is vile and unacceptable. I don't know about you, but I do not want to invite so much negativity, bad karma and hatred into my life…I don't see why women do it so often. Sure, it's a quick fix when you're feeling insecure - making them feel like shit about themselves or knowing that you've gotten them in trouble at work (which I didn't, btw…he could see your inner ugliness from a mile away) but please realize…it will actually depress your spirit over the long term, encourage self hatred, MORE insecurity and generally make YOU feel like shit about yourself. Stop doing this to yourself. Have more respect for yourself. You're worth it. Every woman is.
Something very important that this all has taught me is: thinking in a judgmental way truly is toxic and does yourself a large disservice. Additionally, I cannot run fast enough from other people who are judgmental-both men and women. A judgmental man is one of the biggest turn offs for me. It is such a closed minded, unattractive and limiting way to think. If us women could all look at each other as team mates instead of competitors and be supportive of each other, think about how powerful we could be. Instead, you all decide to make each others' lives miserable because the next one is prettier than you. It's pathetic, and it does not solve anything. Stop comparing yourself to other women. Focus on how awesome you are, and give her a thumbs up for being so awesome too. Positivity encourages more positivity and the same goes for negativity. Also, stop putting so much importance on your appearance. I encourage confidence, but with certain people it crosses a line and becomes unhealthy to the point where it affects their socialized behavior. You have to learn how to remain comfortable when another pretty girl is around. Also, behavior says a lot to people - what's it going to look like to your man when he sees you like this? Nothing is more revolting than jealousy and insecurity. And that's the honest to god truth. I personally regard confidence as my number one desired trait in a man (tied with sense of humor and my 5'11 minimum height requirement...hey, I'm 6'0 in heels).
Oh, one last thing: the next time you want to do this to another girl trying to work, minding her own business…. try not to let your jealousy and emotion show so much when you're complaining to her boss. You totally busted yourself out by using the word "cunt". This made it so obvious to us that it was not about any legitimate customer service issue. I mean, you really have to earn being called a cunt… so the fact that you chose such a harsh word for a supposed "champagne mishap" or an unwanted sparkler made it crystal-clear that ulterior motives were present. Also, you have to come to terms with the fact that you can't and won't be the only hot girl in the world. Neither can I. And I'm OK with that. I understood this from a very young age, but something is telling me that you're still struggling with this. I'm not allowed to look attractive and put together at work? Um, hell no. Even if I got called a cunt it was still worth all the tips I made, and this incident will not bring me down. In fact, it motivated me in a strange way. I truthfully hope you will be honest with yourself about this. I have a feeling you'll be a lot happier when you take this heavy habit off of your shoulders and give *yourself* the attention and respect you deserve, not other girls.