Monday, December 12, 2016

Pushes open, peeks through a crack at first. Pauses. Listens for any sound. Takes a deep breath and begins to feel full, and "okay". A bit nervous, begins to push it open, enters through...

Hello world, it has been a while. Sometimes I feel like a shadow of myself. I'm here, I'm alive. But I'm not fully there. I think that for the past few years, this has been especially the case for me. And, For whatever reason, I have been afraid to "pick up the pen". I haven't felt inspired to write. That being said, while not writing - it didn't feel good inside. Hence, feeling like a shadow of myself. Its like, a part of me inside knows that when I'm not actively writing my thoughts down and exclaiming my perspective with the world - sharing my voice, I don't feel 100% myself. I've been hunched over. Over here, in the corner. Observing and worrying, haha. Don't worry - nothing is wrong. I just need to be honest. And from that, I don't even quite know what I want to say at the moment - except I'm here! I'm alive. I matter. I care. I try. I do. And I love. A lot.

I've been going through what I would describe as a "transition phase" for the last 4-5 years of my life. It was prefaced with a particularly tough time for me and deep battles within myself that I had to face. This has led to a new and fresh horizon/perspective for me, but still exists much confusion and angst. I kept busy, and have been scraping by - just tryin' to survive. It has put me into a place of hopelessness, frustration, and many of my thoughts driven by fear. I'm describing the worst of the worst and granted, it has not been like this on the daily, for the entirety of the last 4-5 years. However, these thoughts are what has taken up my being about half the time. 50/50. I'm 50% darkness and 50% light. I have a lot of hope. In myself. I am working hard to hone in on my skills, along with flaws and problematic thinking. In an effort to truly understand myself. And get my voice back. Redefining myself, in a way. Understanding myself differently.

But overall, I just want to proclaim... I'm alive and I'm happy. I say that with sincerity. I am more happy than unhappy, truthfully.

I strive to be better, constantly - while struggling with insecurity and laziness - which tends to put me in a constantly stressed out state. lol. No more! I need to be open with the world and my struggles within, I think. It helps me cope. I think that's why I've loved blogging so much. It helps, to talk to people. To have a voice. Its a big deal. And for a long time, I totally forgot that. I could feel something was missing but I couldn't put my finger on what it was, exactly.

I am getting myself out of the cycle. It feels good to take steps for myself. And to stop procrastinating! Part of this journey, to me, represents re-entering the world. I feel like I've been gone for a while. And that's OK. I'm grateful for a lot.

And, I'm happy to be back. I feel grateful. Empowered. Humble. Shy. But coming out of my shell. Hello, world. Its good to be back.