Monday, February 11, 2013

Fashion Awards 2013: Grammys

Bonnie McKee - Designer Unknown

Let's start out with a bang.  I think this look is going to be misunderstood by non-fashion industry types, but this was actually my favorite grammy look.  This is crazy, wild - yet still attractive and classy.  The dress is actually chic, but the hair is just so over the top "Grammy's" wild.  Raise your hand if you googled "Bonnie McKee" after seeing her half-Koolaid half Cream hairdo?  I absolutely LOVE this look the more I look at it!  The bodice fits correctly (which is uncommon), the white and chrome theme of the dress is a standout attention grabbing feature, yet is neutral enough to support that neon braid and actually compliment it, the length of the dress is correct, and - the silver backdrop keeps everything clutter free and fresh.  It's an A in my book - for the Grammy's only.

 In Paule Ka

Mmmm kkkkkk.  Kelly I have a bone to pick with you.  If you're going to be on a show called "Fashion Police", where you and your cohorts criticize everyone on their choices in fashion every week, motherfucking STEP IT UP.  Nothing you've been wearing is beyond decent.  It's either too quirky, or safe.  You're making it hard for me to consider your taste advanced, letalone an expert.  This dress is boring as hell.  And, I think its time to switch up your hair color....? Just a suggestion.

Wiz in Tom Ford, Amber Rose in Donna Karan

How sweet is this picture.  The main reason I included it is because it's nice to see a rapper treating his woman with respect.  He seems like a stand up guy, and they both look pretty good.  Considering the load she's about to hernia out of her, she is looking fab, and I appreciate how she's still keeping it sexy at 9 months IN heels.  Pay attention, "my feet hurt after 12am", ladies.  If you're going to walk out of the house in them, woman up and bear it!

In Roberto Cavalli 

"I can't find a single flaw, but I'm still SO BORED" - Joan Rivers on this dress

Can't agree more, Joan!  I'm kind of lukewarm on this one.  She looks elegant, but this dress isn't right for this event. It's a bit overdressed and a bit safe.  Her necklace on - up is great...but she left me wanting more with the dress. A bit stiff throughout the bodice.  That's a common problem with bodices - they should be pretty tight to look hot, but they're usually too loose and look bleh...I'm guessing it's because most women can't take the feeling of how tight they need to be...almost like a gurdle. Trust me on this one; you'd be surprised how much a difference it makes.  If you can't hang, go with another style.

Nicole Kidman in Vera Wang

I've said it before and I'll say it again: F mullet dresses.  The end.  Oh, PS: this one makes her look elderly.

Kat Von D in Derek Lam

GOD those leg tats are not flattering.  They're clashing with the bold pattern of the dress!  Ruins the whole look for me.  Let's say the tattoos weren't there....who would look at this frock and think it's Grammy worthy?  It's a dress that can be worn to work in an office environment.  Pass.

Ashanti, designer unknown

I can't explain why, but this dress would have worked better on someone else.  It's not jiving with her for some reason, but I feel like it would look great on someone with a really pale complexion. It's a weird hunch, but I'd bet I'm right!  I do like the fact that there is some sheer fabric over that slit - because it's too high to be without a screen.

Katy Perry, Gucci

I'm having trouble formulating an opinion on this one because I can't stop staring at Katy's never-before-seen five head.  Who knew?  Her rack looks great too, btw.

I had to add this one in here after the fact:

Ciara looks amazing. I love this dress.  The neutral taupe shade keeps the risque-ness of it in check.  The short short length, mesh works together especially with her flattering hairstyle.  Her golden highlights pick up on the shade of the dress and brings out her glowing complexion.  This dress is sexy, upscale yet risky.  I dig it, and would totally rock it!  Love the turtleneck detail as well - it also keeps it in line.

Rihanna in Alaia

Alright now HE'RE is a dress.  As much as she bothers me this past year (wearing mesh tops with her titties hanging all over the damn place....can't believe she went back to him and is so flagrantly flaunting it - ugh), she looks fantastic.  The cut is right, the fit is right, the fabric is draping beautifully and the train makes a fantastic impression.  Her hair looks beautiful as well.  I'm really glad the lesbian haircut look is gone.  Women are sexier with long hair, sorry.  Lesbians are awesome, btw.  Here's a closer up view of Rihanna's great look:

Karlie Kloss in Michael Kors

Leave it to Karlie Kloss to stroll through, flaunting that PERFECT body leaving all the other celebs in the dust, whilst making it look soooooo easy.... ha!  Does her body look incredible, or what?  Ok, focus focus.  This dress is something that's work-appropriate....ok I just took another peek up there, maybe not WORK appropriate, but it's pretty damn conservative for the Grammy's.  She looks lovely, but this is an "off to lunch at the Beverly Peninsula  kind of dress.  Good thing she's the literal perfect looking woman, which makes up for it.  Oh, did you know she's only 20, too?  I feel depressed now.

In Oscar de la Renta

One of the major mistakes that non celebrity commonfolk make when wearing long evening gowns?  They are usually a couple inches off the ground, too short - which totally ruins the entire look.  It might seem opposite of your instinct, but you want your dress to actually be touching/skimming/lightly draggin on the floor.  It's much more flattering.  Start looking, you will see what I mean, as with this dress above.  It's lengthening when its so long.  So what if it gets a little dirty, how many times are you actually going to wear a dress like this - unless it's your wedding dress, I think letting it drag a bit is worth it, and you'll dry clean it after each wear.  Don't be a part of the flood group. NONE of the celebrities have dresses that are too short - something their stylists have prevented.  Well, I'm your stylist and I'm letting you in on one of many tips that will bring you from good to great wardrobewise. As for above, she looks damn good for her age.  The dress isn't a memory maker, but it does look good on her and her new lighter hair suits her well.

 In Valentino

You know, it's hard to find flattering things when you're this size.  Not trying to be insensitive - just exactly whats scrolling through my mind. I'm sure as a bigger girl, finding dresses for these kind of events with pin-thin girls running all around you can be a stressful experience.  At first I thought I wasn't liking this, but actually this doesn't bother me.  It is the grammy's, so the casual feel it gives isn't inappropriate.  Imagine if this was a lunchtime function - she would look just divine.  She looks good, healthy and bright.  It was kind of a risk, especially because prints can be dangerous for heavyset women, but this works.

All Around Douche in Lanvin

Horrible person with a horrible attitude and a horrific role model, but he does look fly tonight.  That's the only nice thing I'm going to say.  

Ughhhhhhhhhhh.....(Frank Ocean accepts his award, whatshisface sulks in back)

Moving on....

Beyonce in Osman

It's bad of me, but I looooove the fact that she chose this ugly hipster slash lesbiano suit, to contrast everyone being so hard on her jock lately.  I'm not that much of a fan of hers because of how egotistical and lavish her behavior seems.  She seems so into herself.  Anyways, this is so wannabe Gwen Stefani.  You're not pullin' it off, can't rock it like Queen Gwen. Next.

Very dapper and he looks sexier than stupid ass Chris Brown.

Kelly Rowland in Georges Chackra 

Best dressed at the Grammy's. Great selection for the Grammy's.  Worn at any of the other award shows, and this probably would have been a little too risque.  This is sexy, hugging all the right places, on the right woman, and is even a bit sexually suggestive with the diagonal lines.  I like.

Taylor Swift in J. Mendel

Okay, before I critique this....Lets revisit Amanda Seifred just a few weeks ago:

Slumpy slump slumpety slump slump!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ok back to dress at hand:

Same ethereal look as Amandas, but BETTER overall, better fit throughout and she's standing up STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!  It's not my favorite look of the night, but I wanted to point out how much better you can carry a look by improving & owning your body language.  Don't slump.  It makes you look classless and sloppy.  Not slumping also flatters your body way better.  I think Taylor needs to ditch those bangs.  Moving on...

Florence Welch in Givenchy

I wish those damn horns weren't there.  If they were gone, this would be another winner for me.  I love sequin dresses in obscure colors.  I think the green works really well with her hair, the snug fit is very good too, its long long long which equals long, lean and leggy.  I like the exact match clutch, but her hair is messy and her facial expression reads "kill me now".  And the horns are an eyesore.

Kaley Cuoco in Amen

I just want to say that I am liking her more and more. Moving on.....her face and hair look gorgeous, but I'm overall I'm disappointed in this look.  This is a "going out to dinner on a Wednesday night" outfit.  It's cute, but this is nothing special and won't be memorable for any reason   When you dress up for something, you want to dress to make an impression in people's minds.  Anything otherwise is a waste of an opportunity!  You might think I'm cray cray for saying that, but why wouldn't you want to leave a good, lasting memory in someone's mind over how fantastic you look?  These are your prime years, ladies....don't let them go by without utilizing looking your best!

Jennifer Lopez in Anthony Vaccarello

And she was on such a roll lately too.  Angelina Jolie must be rolling on the floor laughing.  Seriously how many copycats are going to mimic her (stupid ass) one-leg out look from that one event??!  This is not only radiating "trying too hard", but IMO it's unsuitable for a woman of her status and age.  It seems a desperate.  

This slit is unreasonably high.  It's coming way too close to her vaginal area and is almost inappropriate, esp for a 40+ year old woman.  I didn't think she had thunder thighs until tonight - if I'm saying that, this alone is proof someone made a poor choice in this dress. Also, the fit of the dress within her torso is falling too loosely widened, and as a result makes her look BIG. It's a dangerous gamble when you're not stick thin to go with a flowy cut!  Her body was just bangin' in that white lace gown that was my favorite 2 blogs ago, so we know she's not fat, but she sure did succeed in choosing a bad fit to make her look like she gained 10lbs.  Go put some underwear on for Christ's sake.  And that tight as hell top knot hairdo?  My baby hairs around my hairline are hurting just looking at how tight that is.  Too harsh.

xoxo viva


  1. I laughed out loud to so many of these!

  2. Great job, so good! You need to be a guest commentator on that Joan Rivers show stat!